Award Time!!!!

You know those days when all the worlds most annoying things seem to either be around you or happen to you?? Well, I had a brain wave... its time to rate the MOST annoying of the annoying.
After my post about the moose I've decided to do the MOOSE HOLE award. In honor of my driveway moose, the top 7 annoying things will win a sketchy moose ass hole (after James comes to turn them all into steaks and burgers and other meaty treats). Yes, it will be able to wear its creepy, stretchy sphincter with 'pride'... or more aptly, with the shame it really should feel for being THAT annoying.

This list will be compiled by ME because I'm the boss. Its in no particular order since all of it is equally annoying in my opinion.

1. Eating noises. Come on people... get it together and shut your damned mouths! Take human sized bites so you don't have to do some funky mouth wrestling moves to dominate that hunk o' food and send it down your poor, traumatized esophagus!!!

2. Stubbing your toe HARD: Mother effer... I get instant rage when this happens. I fall to the ground and if no kids are around I let fly every nasty, awful and dirty word I know.. and some made up ones. When kids are around I just have to think it... which is not even nearly the same, but better then nothing. Seriously annoying. Nobody wants to have gnarled and disfigured toes from constant stubbing...

(The pic isn't my creation)

3. Reality 'stars': Those two blond idiots... Heidi and Spencer. Seriously.. who the hell are they and why do people care so much. They are like the moron brigade. Just seeing her face makes me want to punch my TV. I'm actually cringing as I write this... These idiots should not have kids. Really...
I'm not sure what ALL of the other one's names are, but I'm sure you're pickin' up what I'm layin' down.

4. Slow Walkers: Walking really slowly in front of me will likely get you a ninja kick to the back of the knees. Just sayin...

5. People who think being stupid is somehow cool or sexy: Dumb is just plain dumb. If you are even of average intelligence but act dumb I will treat you like a moron... I will point and laugh and tape a "I am a huge ass" sign on your back. Smart is cool... its like the new crack, except waay cooler, because crack just ain't cool.

6. Keanu Reeves: Dude is a moron. A real moron, he can't even say he's pretending.

7. Strangers touching me or my kids: Get your dirty, sticky, creeperholio hands OFF. I don't know why people think they have the right to touch someone else's children. I will gnaw your arm off before I let you touch my child. Intense???? maybe... but I can't deal with it. Makes me snaky. I feel like I have to rub sanitizer all over them afterward.
If I don't know you KEEP YOUR DAMNED HANDS TO YOURSELF! H'mmmm, maybe even if I know you... some of you...

Wow... seven is just not enough. Maybe I'll have to get votes on the top seven, because I'm just getting warmed up. I'm willing to take other candidates for the top spots too. Come on, try to knock one of mine off the top 7... I dare ya!

Some of my other top annoyances are:
Baby Talk: Your baby is a baby... not a moron.
People who smell like hot trash: Really, there is no need for that.
Too much perfume: After the savage beating that is morning sickness, I can no longer handle the smell of sweet or flowery perfume. This includes things like Tide with febreeze. I start to gag instantly. H'mmm, now you know my weakness. If we're ever in a superhero fight I'm totally screwed.

Well, there are really too many. A lot are un-postable because they have to do with family, and I cross the line a lot, but I don't feel the need to start it up with the fam. Being related is punishment enough isn't it??? If my family members are reading this I'm sure you know I'm not talking about YOU. Come one, we both know who I mean.

I'd go on and on but I have other things to do. I'm actually interested to see what YOU find annoying. Maybe we can rid the world of one annoying thing at a time! We'll be the avengers of awesome... or just run around in spandex onesies with capes and funny hats.

Hold on to your hats...

TOMORROW is Maren's 1st birthday... Is it just me or is this insane??? This year has been painfully slow, and crazy fast at the same time.
I'll save her official birthday post for after her actual birthday, this is just a warming up to her birthday post.

I'm seriously ecstatic. She took her first steps today. She's been holding onto the furniture and walking for a while, but she had her first real taste of freedom today. She of course, got so excited (clapping and squealing) that she fell over, but you could see the pride written all over this little girl. She's talking a bit (the regular stuff, hi, bye, Mommy, Daddy Nyla, Kitty, all done, more, Mommy is a genius...etc... see, just the normal stuff). She is NORMAL, and super awesome.
When she was born they thought she had a stroke, so we were just waiting to see how her development would be... I'm just so happy that she's ok. She's totally caught up to a normal 1 year old. No age correction crap for this kid!
She's happiest when she's naked, but then, who isn't??? I'm personally a big fan of naked.
Nyla is Maren's hero :) They have a lot of fun together... most of the time. Nyla thinks a lot of 'baby stuff' is disgusting. Like how Maren can find anything disgusting on the floor and instantly pop it into her mouth. I have to agree with Nyla on that one. She gives me the dry heaves...

I LOOOOVE my girls. I'm looking forward to the days of being well rested again, but until that day comes (sometime in my 70s right???)I'm going to enjoy the cuteness and weirdness of them.
I am SO excited for Christmas this year! Last year we were in a hotel for Christmas because Maren was still in the hospital. Nyla thinks we have to go back to that hotel for Christmas this year... HELLS NO! We're going to show her how to do it up right. I never used to be big on Christmas (my family wasn't really a Christmas fun type of family), but now I love it. I'm totally going to dress them in freaky Christmas gear so I can embarrass them later on in life... it will be friggen awesome.

You make me feel like dancin'

Something magical has happened in my house. I got 5 hours of sleep IN A ROW!! Seriously, this NEVER happens. I'm usually walking a fine line between sane and bat-shit crazy thanks to sleep deprivation. Sure, being bat-shit crazy has its perks. We do a lot of fun things because I know if I stop moving for even a second my body will transition into crazy breakdown and I'll end up under the kitchen table rocking back and forth, humming the Imagination Movers' theme song.
(We've all been there... right???)
BUT, I prefer being well rested. I can function properly, I'm not putting the milk into the cupboard or forgetting to hard boil the eggs before I break them open... I can get through the day without the coffee induced shakes AND most importantly, have enough coordination to teach Nyla the 'running man'. Oh sweet slumber, you are my friend.
The world seems to be in perfect harmony. The kids ate their breakfast... I mean actually ATE it instead of hiding it (Nyla) or smushing it up their nose (Maren). Even one day of not having to find surprise nasty hiding all over the house, or digging nasty out of a nose is a great day. They are playing nicely together... nobody is beating on or ripping the hair out of anyone. I made the perfect cup of coffee... sigh, the perfect day.
If the hills were alive, the sound of music would be all over them. I swear.
Now, all I need for life to be the level of perfection that we usually only dream about, is that sweet outfit the chick in the pic above is wearing. I'd rock that out...

Oh I LOOOOVE YOU <3

I'm a BIG fan of winter... especially when I don't have to freeze my ass, or feet, or other vital body parts off, and when I can have FUN.
Winter is less busy then summer, but there are still daily chores to be done, regardless of the weather.
I have compiled my list of winter heros...

1. Sorel Boots: These are not sexy boots... but they are awesome for many different reasons. You can clean various kinds of animal crap off REALLY easily. I haven't found a boot that is taller or warmer. I searched for the highest boots I could find. I friggen hate getting a snow soaker in the middle of chores...
One thing that really pissed me off is that NO women's boots are made as real work boots. WTF?? Do they think that women just skip along in heels all winter long? That none of us actually have to wade through the feet of friggen snow?? Come on...
So, I was pleased to find that sorel does in fact keep it real for women too. OH, and they have kids boots that are also taller then any other boots I could find.





2. MEC gear: All MEC gear... especially the kids stuff. I'm usually dragging the kids out with me, and its nice to know that they aren't freezing either. They are both toasty critters and don't usually whine at all (about being cold anyway). Plus, Nyla loves hers because it looks like an astronaut suit... how can you go wrong with that??
I know a lot of people are big on The North Face. I get it... it looks nice, its trendy, but I'm still a MEC girl. I'm sure a lot of North Face stuff kicks ass, but I'm leery about forking out all that cash for what has become a trendy brand name. How much are you spending JUST for the name? Or is it really worth it?? I don't know. Anyone try both and have an answer?







3. Rope: Yup, plain old rope. Man, I can't count the number of times I've had to scrounge around for some rope... even today. Yup, sounds super lame, like I'm some kind of rope freak, but trust me... you'd love it too.
AND I can tie up and hide a certain douchebag who thinks its ok to drive around the property at all hours of the day and night being all douchey. I need some douche-be-gone. Someone should market that... Legs??? do it.



4. A good knife: Ok, so its pretty self explanatory. I'm not a knife snob... as long as it cuts and it fits in my pocket I'm quite happy. I'm not a freaky spaz who wears a machete on my belt. I don't wear a belt either so that would be tricky.
I should totally become a freaky machete person... that would friggen rock.
Don't piss me off, I'll machete your tires.








5. Cross Country Skis/ show shoes: oh yeah baby... Nyla is getting a pair of each this year. We're going to rock it out. I don't want to put Maren in the baby backpack while I'm skiing (I am after all the world's clumsiest human), so I'm trying to put together something that will work to pull her behind me. Any ideas??? Remember, it has to be far enough behind that I won't be tripping on it over and over. I know they make sleds, but its ME making it. I'm not THAT handy. Maybe I should just buy one. I bet it would be really handy for carrying my machete :)








I'm still looking for the king of all gloves. So far all the gloves in the world have been big ol' crappers. No good at all. I'm talking multi-purpose gloves. I don't want ski gloves... they're only warm on the back. I need gloves that will hold up to llama spit and chicken shit. Man, I bet you wish you were me RIGHT?? Glamor, glamor, glamor... its a rough life ;)
Let me know if you have any great ideas.


We are now living in quite the winter wonderland. Its crazy how much snow we're getting, and how mild the temp is. Perfect :)
THIS is why living in the middle of nowhere is actually not so bad, and why having an assly long driveway can be quite nice...

Nyla turned to me and said, "Mommy, I don't think I could eat a whole horse... well, maybe if it was made of snow I could". Right, ok.



When the sun came out it got all steamy and foggy. Pretty nice day for a walk. Hunter (the dog... PS we didn't name him, we got him from the pound all old and already named) took a big crappo right after this and fouled up the pretty air. Nyla was actually gagging. Sweet. I bet you're glad I shared :)

Well, that's it for me. My renewed vigor for blogging is taking its toll. I'm tired... Catch ya later alligators.

Oh, you know you want it.

So, I've mentioned at length my issues with a hell of a lot of eggs. What to do with them, where to hide them... etc etc. I was chatting with Legs (amazing author of The MILF Report) about how great it would be to find alternative uses for the eggs... egg booze for example. Not many people can gag down massive quantities of Egg Nog (really, kind of like swallowing a glass of snot), but there is a similar kind of egg booze that might actually catch on. Check out Advocaat. I know what you're thinking... it could go one of two ways. It could be sweeeeet or pretty rough. Apparently its actually good. I'm going to try it :) Anyone want to come give it a try???
Booze you eat with a spoon. What could go wrong????

Next, I'm not understanding the whole "Twilight" phenomenon. (I'm talking about the books and movies, not the evening twilight in case you've been living under a rock for the past year or so and have no idea what I'm talking about).
No, I haven't read the books or even watched the movie, so who knows, maybe its some kind of literary genius, but I'm guessing that its just a mediocre series about teenage romantic angst... vampire style.
I've done the whole teenage romantic angst thing, now I've grown and moved on to inventing egg booze... I just don't have interest in watching a bunch of mopey teenagers dwell on the sadness that is vampire love. Come on people... vampire love???
I don't understand how this series is coming close to eclipsing the whole Titanic phenomenon. Titanic is TITANIC! Now THAT is a movie... sigh... I still cry every time. It's times like this that I realize that I'm growing up. (I know, it really shouldn't be such a shock).
If I feel the need to drool over a vampire I'll watch Interview With a Vampire. Hello... Brad Pitt? Its just not right for people to be all drooley over the kid vampire in twilight when there are manly man vampires to drool over (if that's your thing. I'm not into the goth/ vampire love movement).

Well, I'm going to go consume large amounts of coffee, then convince my children that its time to go collect even more eggs. Nothing but a party at our house!

I'm not crazy like THAT...

I have some important advice for you...
NEVER start a conversation with, "I'd like to give you some of my eggs". Sure, I know I have chickens and have bowls and bowls of friggen eggs balancing inside of my fridge, and that I'm running out of places to hide them, and if I have to find another egg abundant recipe I'm going to barf... but to them it could possibly sound like I'm a super-freak who's trying to peddle my inside-the-ovary eggs like a common ovary egg peddler.
When someone thinks you're trying to give them YOUR eggs, it becomes really tricky because if they say yes its even creepier (go get your own damn ovary eggs), but if they say no and act all disgusted then you're left wondering, what the hell is wrong with my eggs? Then you get all angry and bitter and start mumbling about how you'd never let your eggs touch their crappy ass uterus with a 10 foot pole. (pffffft... it could be the wine, but I just realized that the 10 foot pole thing is pretty funny... hee hee hee).
So, the moral... well, there isn't a moral. Just specify what species the eggs are coming from, because god knows you don't want to be known as THAT kind of girl. (You know, the kind that tosses around her eggs all willy-nilly).

I'm happy our chickens are all gung-ho about their egg production. I mean, that must be really important to a chicken right? What else to they do except drop an egg from their butts every day or so?? They must be feeling very fulfilled considering they're totally rocking out on their life's purpose. I don't want to rain on their parade, but we have so many friggen eggs. I have never in my life seen so many eggs. I give them away to absolutely anyone who will take them. I've even started dropping them off to the old lady vampire neighbor... who in return gave me some wicked carrot cake (without raisins boooyah!) Who knew that the undead could be kick-ass bakers??
I know this isn't considered a problem. I just don't want them to spoil, and I don't want to be chained to my oven baking my ass off for the foreseeable future. So, either I start egging people's houses or I figure out what the hell I'm going to do with the excess. Hell, I just had an idea... I can egg random people. I don't like your hat... EGG ON YOU! You totally coughed in my direction... EGG ON YOU! Your perfume is so bad they're going to start using it as the bad smell in natural gas... EGG ON YOU! H'mmm, never mind... I don't need help after all :)

Blog or face my wrath.

I enjoy blogging, and I really like when funny people blog.
I found a blog that has quickly become one of my top 5 favorites... The Milf Report (well, she found me, so I'll give her the credit).
"Legs" is funny... my humor kind of funny, so if my blog offends you, hers will too. (Don't you secretly love being offended though??? Come on, admit it).
So, go check it out. Leave a comment so she's forced to keep blogging in order to appease her new fans.
She's a pretty cool chick!

**note to Legs** Read the title... are you scared yet beeeotch???

Finally the pics

I started working on this 2 days ago, but have been busy busy busy, so now, the pics you've all been waiting for ;)

Darryl deserves the dad of the year award for PATIENTLY explaining to Nyla over and over again that its actually ok to put your hand into a pit of pumpkin slime...

Nyla doing some pumpkin de-sliming.
Cutest sock monkey around :)
Nyla wasn't into pictures this year. This is one of the few she let me take... cute elephant if you ask me.
Wow, I feel like a weight has been taken off my shoulders... I've actually posted the pics. sigh...

Now, a completely different topic. Have you ever received a virus through email? I opened an email from someone I trust (I don't blame you... don't cry), and unfortunately it was a friggen virus. A super lame virus too. I don't get embarrassed easily, but this was really embarrassing. It would have been fine if the only people in my contact list were close friends, but I have lots of people on there... feed store dude, the people we buy buffalo meat from, the guy that sheared our llamas etc etc etc. The virus sent the same message out to a lot of people in my contacts (I've heard that some people didn't get it). It basically said "I've been thinking about you and decided to write. I miss you, now check this out because I know it will make you smile". See, not too bad if it was only sent to close friends... but to other people it totally sounded like a sleazy come on. I sent a warning message afterwards because... well it seemed like the right thing to do. Thank god I did... I heard back from a business contact who was trying to figure out how to let me down easy because he's happily married. Gaaaaaaaaa! Hahahahaa, at least I can laugh about it now... Seriously, If I'm going to send an inappropriate email it will be one that I compose from my own twisted mind, not someone else's lameness. booooooo on that trash!

Anyway, I'm off and running again. I've decided to befriend the weird vampire neighbor lady in order to avoid her sucking the lifeblood from my neck. Seems like good sense to me. If you don't hear from me anytime soon... I'm probably undead in her basement.

Ramblings and a few ravings.

Halloween is not my favorite 'holiday'. I like chocolate like any other self respecting woman, but I'm not big on the dressing up and walking around in the freezing cold waiting for strangers (who are usually dressed up like crazy people) to give my kids some candy. Really, we can run down to the general store to buy some stale candy if we are really that desperate for it...
But I must say that I am blow away by the commitment of the villagers to do it up right. Houses were decorated far beyond anything I have ever seen... complete with smoke shows and theme music. These people don't just give candy, they give decorated and nicely thought out gift bags. INSANE RIGHT?? But really nice. I must say it was a great experience for Nyla... and Maren actually enjoyed it too.
You know how kids can do crazy things that make you want to hide your face and slink into the night??? Yeah... when we went to the first house there was a dude outside screwing fireworks onto the back of his truck (another story in itself). Nyla started screaming and crying because according to her, his costume was too scary. THE DUDE WASN'T WEARING A COSTUME! I swear, he was just a guy... GOOD LORD! What are you supposed to do in a situation like that? She wouldn't even take any candy from him :) Sigh, kids totally make up for all the poo, barf and sleepless nights by sheer entertainment value.
I will post pictures of them in their Halloween finest, but not now cuz it takes a zillion years, and since the 18 bloody inches of snow we got overnight our phone line is lame ass and buzzing which just makes everything take longer. (PS it wasn't literally bloody snow... ewwwww).
(And yes, the guy was actually screwing fireworks to the back of his truck).

Now I'm going to take a minute to rage about Facebook. I like facebook for the fact that its easy to stay in touch with friends who are scattered all over the place. I am probably one of the worlds worst keep-in-touchers. I don't call, rarely email... I generally suck... so facebook is a nice way to stay connected. However, I do not care what you had for dinner... I don't want to play those facebook games that have caught on like crazy... I don't want to help you with your mafia, or fish tank or anything else.
Sometimes I wonder about people and their insatiable need to share useless and annoying info with the rest of the world. (From what I understand twitter is even worse). Its always the same people, and they are always telling me what they're having for dinner, really... every friggen night???? I DON'T GIVE A FLYING RAT'S ASS!
And the absolute WORST are the people who are huge sad sacks and apparently want a lot of sympathy because everything in their life that is wrong has to be slapped up like some sad sack status billboard. COME ON people... start drowning your problems with booze and leave the rest of us in our happy haze. I know I sound hardcore... I'm not even going to defend myself cuz I just don't care. boooooooooo! Where the hell is my wine???
I'm starting to weed out my facebook 'friends'. I used to feel bad about deleting people because it just seemed like a weird thing to do, but I have to admit I find it a bit liberating. If we don't talk, and haven't talked in 6 months or more... why are we pretending we're friends anyway? I'm still into simplifying my life. I like it, its working out great so far.

Maren is 100% better. Nyla didn't get it. Things are good. My little bro, Kieran, did get it, so if you see him give him a high fiver for me. (maybe don't touch his diseased self though... ) he's doing fine now, so don't shun him like a leper (or actually, point and scream 'UNCLEAN' at him... man, that would make me laugh).

Now, I'm going to go get my sleep on. G to the ood night.

Update

I'm pretty sure that Maren is over the worst of it. What a crazy experience!!!
Her fever has come down, she is voluntarily drinking and eating a little bit and her big grin makes an appearance more and more every day. She won't have to be admitted so obviously we're really happy. Now we're just hoping that Nyla stays healthy (she's been fine so far, so I'm very optimistic).
I'm so proud of her. From the day she was born she has been tough... a little fighter. She's totally going to be the type that doesn't let anything get in her way.
Nyla has been very worried about Maren. She's barely left her side, and if Maren makes even the smallest squeak Nyla will sound the alarm. Such a sweet big sister :) Now that Maren is getting better, Nyla is preparing all kinds of games for them to play together. Sigh... I'm really going to enjoy watching their relationship grow.

Darryl has been gone for the last few days and was finally able to come home today for a little while. It was hard for him to be away when things were so scary at home. It has been sooooooooooooooo nice having him around... hey... what the hell am I doing awake?? I have reinforcements now... its nap time.

PS thanks so much for the calls and emails!

NOOOOOOOOO

Maren, our little one has just been diagnosed with the H1N1 virus. She is incredibly ill and I could lie and say I'm dealing with things well, but I won't bother lying.
So, I'm calling all thoughts, prayers, pretty much anything... even dancing around with chicken bones if you're feeling it...
She's on Tamiflu (?? I'm pretty sure that's the name of it... I'm not going to get up and check) if there is no improvement by Friday she'll be admitted somewhere where there is a paediatric unit. We're obviously wanting an improvement by Friday.
The rest of us are healthy. I'm determined to keep us that way!

the best news EVER!

I was visiting a friend's blog the other day and found some really interesting and useful information. It's the kind of info that makes you feel all warm and happy inside... prepare yourselves for the wonder of it....
Imagine that someone really pisses you off, and not just a little bit. I mean SERIOUSLY pisses you off, but you aren't really allowed to hide in the bushes and beat them when they least expect it, you can't sneak up behind them and bitch slap them when they finally turn around, and you can't throw heavy objects at them... so what's a person to do??? I HAVE THE ANSWER check out http://www.mailpoop.com/ You can send them a big ol' pile of stinky, nasty dog poo. You can do it anonymously, but if I go through the trouble of ORDERING dog shit online when I have plenty in the woods around the house, you better believe I'm sending a big fat card along with it. Oh, you'll know its from me alright, and maybe, just maybe you'll learn to stop pissing me the hell off! Is this the greatest or what??
I know your first reaction might be "Well, that's a hell of a lot of gross." But now this info will be stuck in your head FOREVER, and next time someone really pisses you off you'll be thinking "Oh, you're soooooo getting a pile of dog shit in the mail buddy!!!" It will save you from snapping when keeping cool is more advisable. You'll thank me... if not now, someday soon.

I admit, my sense of humor is twisted. I enjoy the crazy in life. I'd enjoy sending you some dog poop. Heeheehee, just thinking about it is making me smile.

Let's see, what else is new?? Ummmmm, not a hell of a lot. It's cold. Winter came early. All the old dudes at the Co-op are talking about how this is going to be "A bitch of a winter". What I'd like to know, is how is that any different than usual around here. We live in the frozen north people! We are the ones that should be doing the whole cut open an animal and use it for a warm coat thing (I'm not a freak, try watching star wars). I'm feeling more prepared for this winter though. I'm ordering all the freaking cold weather gear for the kiddos, since we have no choice but to go outside at least twice a day to check the beasts of the fields. (Speaking of the beasts, two of those rat bastards just sauntered on home the other day... the same 2 that I spent HOURS chasing through the fields. I logged many a mile chasing those effers, and they just walk on home when they feel like it. PFFFFFT. Next time I'm just going to kick them in the weird llama ass).
And, since being snowed in for days on end is not cool, we have become a 2 truck family. I know some people think its wasteful to have 2 trucks instead of a truck and something more efficient, and I would have agreed with you at one time, but not anymore. When Darryl is working he's gone, sometimes for days. That means that I do all the farm stuff. It sucks to go to town and actually only have room in your vehicle to get either animal food or human food, so you choose one then get home and find that your driveway is totally drifted in (its about a mile long) and there's no earthly way you can power through that mess of snow in the wimpy blazer 4X4. So you dig and dig and dig, then give up and show some leg to the next dude with a plow that happens to drive by (kidding, we are waaaay out in the boonies... no dudes with plows just drive by... I'd totally show them some leg if it meant getting in my driveway though). Then, since you could only get one type of food, you realize that at the end of it all you still have to do it all again tomorrow. Effff that.
Now, I can get everything INCLUDING a load of water, then go all mad 4X4 lady when I get home. I can run over the effing moose that wags its stupid moose ass in my face all the time, and get home in time to check all the animals before it gets dark. See, much better being a 2 truck family.
And yet another reason to stand up and cheer HOORAY for leaving this ghastly land behind and moving somewhere that -40 is NOT NORMAL. I'm totally going to go all HEEEEEERE'S JOHNNY this winter, I just know it.

Feeling Ranty...

There are 3 things REALLY pissing me off today.

1. I'm sick of Viagra, or penis enlargement junkmail. Serioulsy, I don't have a penis, I really don't need the mail. Besides, if I did have a penis I'm sure it would be impressive anyway... probably a record breaker.

2. Fashion Fads... I think fashion fads piss me off so much because it shows just how lame people can be. Come on, some person says, "Wouldn't it be funny to tell everyone that crazy 80's jeans are cool again??" Ta daaaaaa, everyone is wearing them.
I don't understand the crazy drive to 'fit in'. I don't understand why wearing the 'right thing' makes people so nutty in the brain. Seriously, you'd think that these people have eyes and would be like, "80's jeans??? You must be shitting me cuz they were ASS the first time around." Sadly, it just isn't so.
Why can't everyone just wear what they LIKE and not what everyone tells them to like.
Do they realize they're just wearing the same thing as everyone else??? It's probably some government ploy to get everyone wearing a 'uniform' so nobody can think independantly anymore. (I'm big on conspiracy theories, considering I'm a spy and all).
Sigh, I guess I just think its sad. Lame and sad.

3. Now, this one is a serious rant. I heard on the news about ANOTHER priest (bishop... whatever), who is going to jail for having child porn. I want to hunt him down and hurt him. I want all these nuns and priests and pastors and teacher and all the other effing bastards out there to pay, and pay severely for what they have done and are doing to kids.
I have rage that reaches super hero proportions when it comes to child abuse issues. I personally believe that people who do these things to children are no longer considered human. They are animals and should NOT be given the same rights as the rest of the world. HUMAN RIGHTS for these people??? You have got to be kidding me. Once a human becomes so twisted that they hurt innocent children they should be ended. Why give them another chance?? Why give them the option to do it again??
I know there is a lot of controversy about the death penalty. I don't want to get into a big debate, I just don't think these people deserve to be walking, and talking, and breathing, and living.
Do not say to me that we should leave it up to God to decide. I think that takes all responsibility away from the monsters, and from the people who are supposed to decide their fate. It makes it easy for us to do NOTHING and believe that it will all work itself out in the end. I do not agree with that. I think we need to take more responsibility for our lives, our children, the way we live and generally everything.
Man, I'm so angry I'm shaking. You better believe that if anyone ever so much as thinks about hurting my kids and I hear about it I will not be waiting for God to do the deciding.

Ok, I'm breathing... I'm calming myself...

I'm done... for now.

Quickies...

...as in quick updates :) This is going to be one.

Nyla's birthday was amazing. What a cool kid. I know she's mine, so I have to love her, but I'd love her anyway.
We rented a bouncy castle for her party... what a friggen great idea. Seriously, peeps with kids out there... do it! There will probably be some bounce related injuries, but Nyla is about as clumsy as me and she survived intact. So, normal non clumsy kids should be just fine.
Seeing her face when the bouncy castle inflated was worth a million bucks :) sigh... warm fuzzies in the guts.
I PROMISE pictures SOON. (Take that Kelly... you unbeliever!)

Other then that, I just seem to be losing my mind. A few days ago we were taking the kiddos to Dairy Queen for some 'last of the sunshine' ice cream cones (Darryl's mom is in town too). I was walking towards the door when I noticed that everyone was looking at me like I was all nekkid in public or something. Then Mr.Smartass (ie: Darryl) said, "Are you missing something??" Ahhh, but of course... I forgot Maren in the truck. (I was only about 2 feet away, so it wasn't like 'crazy bad mom' shit).
Yup, I'm awesome.
Then, earlier tonight we were having dinner at a friend's house and I was getting ready to feed Maren her bottle. Without even thinking I grabbed Nyla and stuck her on my lap... yup, even tipped her back and tried to feed her the bottle.
"Where is my mind" by the Pixies seems to be my theme song lately. I feel like a total jackass half the time. I should start drinking early in the day to re-set my equilibrium. Man, I have a lot of great ideas!

We're going to get our asses whipped by winter soon, so all my free time will now be spent gathering fire wood like some kind of freaky squirrel. I at least have my own chainsaw now, so I can be all freako and pretend the trees (which have already been destroyed by beavers along our creek) are people who need some schoolin' chainsaw style.

Ok, this is way longer then expected. I'm tired.
peace out homeslice

You know when you've started an official countdown to something and start to get really excited about it, the time you have left before the big exciting thing seems to drraaaaag on? OY!
I realize that we still have to get through the nasty ass winter here... but man, am I ever getting excited. I'm getting the excited jumping in my guts to be able to go HIKING again. I've missed it. Really, really missed it.
Calling all hiking and camping buddies.... prepare yourselves!!!

Happiness is....

The leaves are changing, the weather is stormy... fall is coming :) I love fall. I love the crisp air and being able to smell the cranberries in the woods. I love NOT melting under the sun's death ray, (although I did have a pretty sweet tan).
Yes, I can promise I'll be bitching about winter in a few short months, but for now I'm content.

The excitement of the 'BIG MOVE' is starting to make us a bit giddy. The whole concept of the new farm is growing and changing and becoming cooler then I ever imagined. I realize that cool to me is not necessarily cool to others, and I'm ok with that... but I'm going to share anyway.

I've already mentioned that we're going to be working our way 'off the grid', but we've decided to experiment with just how self sufficient we can be. It's like a huge challenge to see how much we can do ourselves in every aspect of farm life. Power, food... everything.
I've been canning :) I'm learning how to make pretty much everything... Ketchup, juice, bar b q sauce, salsa, spaghetti sauce... lots of stuff, in preparation of what's to come. (NO, I don't think we're preparing for the end of the world... and we're not building an underground bomb shelter... we're not THAT crazy... yet).
We're downsizing in a major way, getting rid of a lot of stuff, trying to figure out what our essentials are and we're going to see what happens.
I know it sounds like we're becoming crazy hippies, or weird compound people, but its not like that, really... unless you want to call me your leader and give me all your money... then I'll consider the whole compound thing. Its just a life experiment. An adventure of sorts. A challenge :) Besides, we're still big fans of deodorant and waxing... so we're not THAT extreme...
And you don't have to worry about the girls, we're going to make sure they don't turn all farm weird. I think they'll be pretty damn cool kids.
There's other exciting farm news that I'm just going crazy wanting to tell, but I'm not going to...
Just cross your fingers for the possibility of something really great happening (no, it has nothing to do with babies... I'm clearing that up NOW. There will not be any more babies, so lets all accept that and move on :)

Another SUPER exciting bit of news... a really great friend has decided that she wants to join us in this madness and become a business partner. I'm not going to say much about her yet, because she still has to explain to her family why she's giving up her job and life to move far away with a bunch of crazy hippie yahoos ;) I'll just say that we're excited to include her in our farm and family life. I'm totally going to force her to learn how to knit so we can make llama fur toques and scarves :) Bahahahahaaa, we really ARE going to be those weird hippie freaks aren't we...

Our farm truck died. I was a bit sad because it was a pretty cool truck. It was ancient and bright yellow... all the farmers got to know us by the truck. Anyway, its unbelievable how important a farm truck is to a farm. We have to haul our own water... its pretty hard with no damned truck. (We have a medium sized cistern). So we recently found another one. Its a beast, and the only reason I'm mentioning it is because some of you might remember our issues with getting snowed in here. That will not be a problem anymore... (You'd be so proud Jenny and Joni!)
It doesn't have the character of the old yellow truck, but hopefully it will make up for it in usefulness. I could totally run over that jackass moose that sits in our driveway and not have to worry.

I'm going to wait to do Nyla's update since her birthday is only a couple of weeks away. I can't believe she's going to be 3! Bizarre...

That's our life as of now. Things are pretty great in my opinion. So far a lot of people think we're crazy :) I'm ok with that too. I've always been a little bit off the beaten path, and am lucky that Darryl is happy to be there with me. We're not concerned about becoming rich, or having all the latest and greatest stuff. It's never been a big issue for either of us. We decided a long time ago not to join the 'rat race', so for us this is ideal. But, this is what WE want, we're not arrogant enough to believe that everyone should think and live the same way.
I just think that life is too short to live in a way that doesn't make you happy. Like that quote says, "Live the life you love." We are terrified and excited about the next chapter of life, but at least we know we're going to be loving life. That is pretty fricken cool.

Now I have to give a pat on the back to Darryl. I'm pretty lucky to be doing all of this with a man who is so involved with his kids that his big dream is to be present in their lives every day. He doesn't want to miss anything, he doesn't want to have to say goodnight over the phone ever again. He wants to have the girls following us around learning all sorts of great things and having a ball together. Family is his #1 priority. This move, the farm, this lifestyle is going to be a great thing for our family (including our newest family member, who's name I will share as soon as she is ready to have it shared). We are sooooo going to rock this :)
You should see the grin on my face. I can't effing wait to get this party started!!!

LOVE and other random stuff

First of all, I'm sending a BIG, HUGE, MUSHY CONGRATULATIONS to Kelly and Chad.
We can't wait to meet baby Leighton. (Nyla is still VERY excited :)
I just can't say enough about Kelly. She is the cat's meow, the rock to the jukebox, the awesome to... well, everything.
Kelly knows everything, and I mean everything about me. I don't have to hold back or hide anything, and I'm humbled that she trusts me enough to do the same.
She's been there always, without question, and WILL be there always, without question.
Obviously I'm oozing love today. I'm not usually mushy... I'm not even drunk.

Thinking about Kelly and how much I love her has really made me start thinking about some things in my life. Now, I have some sort of bizarre questions... or maybe they're actually statements. I don't know, you figure it out.

I'm in the process of simplifying all areas of my life. This includes my relationships... even with family (I should clarify that this is about parts of my family, mot the entirety). I know a lot of people are really close and connected with their family. I'm not. Does this mean that I have to pretend to be close just because we're genetically linked? We've all heard the quote "Blood is thicker than water". Well sure... in theory, but in reality IS IT?
My reasoning?? If a member of your family is basically a stranger, if neither of you are really into getting to know each other, and know you couldn't trust the person enough to tell them things that really matter anyway, why force it? If it was any relationship other than family, it would naturally phase out. Some people just don't mesh... genetically linked or not.
Basically, I'm at the point where I know myself better then I ever have. I know what I want and what I don't want. I know what I have time and energy for, and basically, I don't want to fake anymore. I think it is completely OK to wish people well, but let them go their own way, without guilt... whoever they are, regardless of DNA.

I think we do actually choose our family without being completely conscious of it. Think about the people you surround yourself with. Think about the people you can be yourself with. Think about the people you miss. Think about the people you can be HONEST with. When your world is falling apart who do you want to open up to? Who do you share your dreams with... even if they seem totally crazy?? Who KNOWS you?
In my opinion THIS IS OUR FAMILY! Sometimes our choices include our DNA linked family, sometimes not... and that's OK.
So, what do you think??? Anyone out there feel the same? Be anonymous if you want, I'm just really curious.

I know this is going to piss some people off. Its not about being angry or anything like that, its just where I am right now.

PS the Nyla update is still coming.

Maren, now and then.

I start to feel bad when I start getting emails asking for updates on the girls. I have great intentions of sending emails and pictures... but unfortunately I'm about as good at that as I am at keeping in touch over the phone.
I'm going to do separate updates because of the time factor. Maren today, Nyla tomorrow.

Maren is quickly closing in on 9 months! Wow, where did the time go??? I'm amazed by her... I can't believe the changes,the growth, the strength, the sweetness. We can already see glimpses of her sense of humor, and temper (holy smokes, watch out world!)
In some ways she's right where any other 9 month old baby would be, but in other ways she's right where she should be (just under 7 months).
She's sporting 2 tiny little teeth, and if her mood is any indication, ready to sprout about 8 zillion more.
Maren is crazy about Nyla. She smiled first for Nyla and now its obvious that Nyla is her hero. (When Nyla hears Maren cry she'll yell "I'm coming Maren!!!" and takes off at a dead run).
She says "Dada, Mama" and "Moo" and is working on "Nyla". She eats like a horse, and sings like a rock star.
She produces more crap then any kid I've ever seen, but its possible I successfully blocked the sheer volume of crap that is produced by babies from my memory.
She hates the stroller, loves the snuggli because she can look around and see everything.
She could bounce for hours in the jolly jumper, and especially loves it when I set it up outside. (The dogs usually curl up around her feet when she's bouncing).
So far, it seems like she's going to love animals just as much as Nyla. She giggles when she sees any of them (except the chickens... but I totally understand because they're shifty little buggers).
I really like seeing the relationship between the girls grow. I'm really excited to see them giggling away at their own private jokes and playing like sisters play.
She is truly lovely.

Then. 1 1/2 months old.

Now. 8 1/2 months.
What a little face :) Gotta love the olympic size pout... she knows how to rock the cute factor.

Party with the carnies

This weekend the annual fall fair and rodeo was in town, which provides a social outlet for all the town's weirdos... It's like a big ol' weirdo convention, complete with carnies, barf and cowboys.
I'm not one who generally gives a flying rats ass about 'fashion'. I do my own thing, so I don't judge others who have their own fashion freak inside of them. I do, however, have to draw the line somewhere... I don't understand how anyone could leave the house thinking its ok to wear a bustier, jogging pant capris and 4 inch spike stilettos. Am I alone here in believing that this is so wrong??
I remember reading a friend's facebook status a few weeks ago about how she was working somewhere and was faced with seeing too many butt cheeks thanks to the resurgence of short shorts. I laughed... until I understood her pain. Where to you look to ease your eyes from the damage inflicted by nasty ass, when it is EVERYWHERE??
We taught Nyla all about being private and covering what is supposed to be covered quite a while ago. So I was trying in vain to shield her from the endless parade of skanks, when a particularly skanky skank skanked on by. Nyla piped up and said, "I don't think she knows that boobies are supposed to be private". Wow... my little girl, almost 3 years old has more sense then 75% of the people we saw there. Amazing!

One thing I do love about the fair is that the local farmers set up a petting zoo for kids. Both the kids LOOOOOVED it. Nyla, being the outgoing and cutie pie child that she is managed to charm people into letting her cuddle the animals Elmyra style. When we were passing the goats she eyed one up and said, "Mommy, I could wrestle that goat". WHAT??? Sigh... for some reason this kid has been on a wrestling kick. Her big dream is to wrestle an alligator, or now, a goat. She's practicing on her teddy bears... She's so proud of herself I don't have the heart to tell her that she's nuts. If you happen to visit, be prepared to have a little girl fling herself onto you and yell "I'm wrestling you... FALL DOWN!".

The reign of the evil sun is OVER! We've had a full 24 hours of storming and hard, crazy rain. I LOVE IT! I love being able to go outside without feeling like my eyelids are vaporizing. My pale ass kids could leave the house without being slicked down in a vat of oozy, slippery sunscreen. Have you ever tried to hold on to a hot, sweaty baby who has literally been greased up? Yeah, go try it, its super fun.
But we survived. I'm the only one that cooked my melon to barf-it-up extremes... damned lost hat (which I found once the rain started... buggers).
My crazy, old lady neighbor told me that she was taking lots of cool baths.. as if that wasn't already too much info, she felt the need to tell me all about her heat rash too. SWEET! I must be getting too friendly, I should really start throwing things at her again.

Do you ever see something that makes you laugh a lot for no apparent reason? I saw this and seriously, every time I think about it I laugh.
Just thought I'd share, since laughing is an important part of life.


I'm going to admit something... I love 80s music (and 90s too). You know when you're driving somewhere listening to local radio and they bust out the great 'old' stuff. Come on people... who isn't instantly rocketed back to the past when you hear a certain Bryan Adams song? EVERYBODY has a Bryan Adams related memory (admit it you closet Adams fans). The great thing is that it doesn't even matter if you love him or think he blows, his music is still stamped all over our generation. Helooooo Robin Hood???
I want to know.. which songs instantly send you flying down memory lane? (Not necessarily Adams related).
To this day I love 'Wonderwall' by Oasis. It was pretty much played to death on radio, but it instantly brings me back to a really great summer before college. Lots of great memories, lots of great people... great times.
'Just like Jesse James' by Cher makes me think of the days of sneaking out, playing pool at Gus', Carmen :)
And I have my fair share of Bryan Adams related memories :D
I love that, I love hearing a song and instantly being transported to another time. I love all the great memories that are too easy to forget when we're supposed to be all 'grown up'.
Share yours!