You know those days when all the worlds most annoying things seem to either be around you or happen to you?? Well, I had a brain wave... its time to rate the MOST annoying of the annoying.
After my post about the moose I've decided to do the MOOSE HOLE award. In honor of my driveway moose, the top 7 annoying things will win a sketchy moose ass hole (after James comes to turn them all into steaks and burgers and other meaty treats). Yes, it will be able to wear its creepy, stretchy sphincter with 'pride'... or more aptly, with the shame it really should feel for being THAT annoying.
This list will be compiled by ME because I'm the boss. Its in no particular order since all of it is equally annoying in my opinion.
1. Eating noises. Come on people... get it together and shut your damned mouths! Take human sized bites so you don't have to do some funky mouth wrestling moves to dominate that hunk o' food and send it down your poor, traumatized esophagus!!!2. Stubbing your toe HARD: Mother effer... I get instant rage when this happens. I fall to the ground and if no kids are around I let fly every nasty, awful and dirty word I know.. and some made up ones. When kids are around I just have to think it... which is not even nearly the same, but better then nothing. Seriously annoying. Nobody wants to have gnarled and disfigured toes from constant stubbing...
(The pic isn't my creation)3. Reality 'stars': Those two blond idiots... Heidi and Spencer. Seriously.. who the hell are they and why do people care so much. They are like the moron brigade. Just seeing her face makes me want to punch my TV. I'm actually cringing as I write this... These idiots should not have kids. Really...
I'm not sure what ALL of the other one's names are, but I'm sure you're pickin' up what I'm layin' down.
4. Slow Walkers: Walking really slowly in front of me will likely get you a ninja kick to the back of the knees. Just sayin...
5. People who think being stupid is somehow cool or sexy: Dumb is just plain dumb. If you are even of average intelligence but act dumb I will treat you like a moron... I will point and laugh and tape a "I am a huge ass" sign on your back. Smart is cool... its like the new crack, except waay cooler, because crack just ain't cool.
6. Keanu Reeves: Dude is a moron. A real moron, he can't even say he's pretending.
7. Strangers touching me or my kids: Get your dirty, sticky, creeperholio hands OFF. I don't know why people think they have the right to touch someone else's children. I will gnaw your arm off before I let you touch my child. Intense???? maybe... but I can't deal with it. Makes me snaky. I feel like I have to rub sanitizer all over them afterward.
If I don't know you KEEP YOUR DAMNED HANDS TO YOURSELF! H'mmmm, maybe even if I know you... some of you...
Wow... seven is just not enough. Maybe I'll have to get votes on the top seven, because I'm just getting warmed up. I'm willing to take other candidates for the top spots too. Come on, try to knock one of mine off the top 7... I dare ya!
Some of my other top annoyances are:
Baby Talk: Your baby is a baby... not a moron.
People who smell like hot trash: Really, there is no need for that.
Too much perfume: After the savage beating that is morning sickness, I can no longer handle the smell of sweet or flowery perfume. This includes things like Tide with febreeze. I start to gag instantly. H'mmm, now you know my weakness. If we're ever in a superhero fight I'm totally screwed.
Well, there are really too many. A lot are un-postable because they have to do with family, and I cross the line a lot, but I don't feel the need to start it up with the fam. Being related is punishment enough isn't it??? If my family members are reading this I'm sure you know I'm not talking about YOU. Come one, we both know who I mean.
I'd go on and on but I have other things to do. I'm actually interested to see what YOU find annoying. Maybe we can rid the world of one annoying thing at a time! We'll be the avengers of awesome... or just run around in spandex onesies with capes and funny hats.
4 comments:
Only 7??LOL
1. people that sound like they are making love to their food...you know....ohhhh...mmmmmm.....ooooooooh....It grosses me out to no end!!
2. People that try and throw a few intellectual words together in a sentence to try and sound smart...it's a run on dumb ass paragraph! I find humour when those philosophizing...and someone challenges them on their viewpoint they can't dig themselves outta the whole!eeek
3. these holier than though mommy "professional" bloggers that have let their blog's success go to their heads...I don't want to hear your advice on today's celebrity thank you very much!!
4. Bad manners. It still amazes me that some people don't know how to say thank you or your welcome. It's an even more annoyance when it's the tim horton's drive thru person...grrrrrrrrrrrrrr
5. I agree about slow walkers. How about the slow walkers crossing the road...I visualized myself plowing into someone the other day.
6. Women that let their big gut hang out of their shirt. I've got a big gut, I keep it tucked in. We don't want to see the wiggly jiggly stretched out yo-mama-ness of your belly knocking against your knee caps. Sore eyes can't even handle this sight!
I, too, could go on and on...LOL
2. #2...should read hole instead of "whole"...and I don't try to be an intellect. I take much pride in my dumbassness.
I have a nice, sharp set of knives (and yes, i know how to remove the asshole) so I'll just need to borrow your rifle while you fire up the grill!
Also, I saw this and thought of you: http://www.askaninja.com/node/1716 =oD
Ok, Sorry for the delayed response Anita. Here are a few things I could live without
1) People who have music on their blogs- I get that you are trying to set some type of "mood" when people are on your page but please, there is no need! First of all, it seems to slow down how the pages/pictures load (and no I don't have dial up) and second, if you post a video or something for me to watch, I first have to scroll way down to the bottom of your page to turn of your freaking music. Bottom line- take it off ppl! I promise it does not make you look cool.
2) When people lable a photo of themselves and another person with "I" as in Sam & I. I'm pretty sure that's improper. If it was just a picture of you, you would not go around saying look at this picture of "I"- I don't think so! It should be Sam & Me!
Thanks for this mini vent session!- Carolyn
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